It’s been a while, I know.  What happened, you ask? My job ate me alive.

This was not the plan. I got all brave and said no and went on vacation and everything, but things continued to spiral out of control. Every time I tried to set limits, some new urgent project was dumped on me.  Then, I got moved down the ladder to report to the guy who took the job that I turned down.  This arrangement is not working out well for me. I will leave it at that.

The all-consuming “software emergencies” have prevented me from doing much of anything else for months. No dating. Almost no social engagements. Lot’s of TV that I don’t even have the energy to write about. I know more than I need to about Juan Pablo, Narvik-B, the drama at Downton, and Joe Carroll. I haven’t even been able to get to the movies to see Leonardo DiCaprio!  That’s when you know things are bad.

Yesterday, in an attempt to make more time for me, I went to see a new potential primary care physician for a check-up. She turned out to be a crazy pants. Somehow, in a 45 minute appointment, she never got to an actual physical exam. She did find time to recommend an elimination diet, ask me to join her “plank challenge”, pitch the Nike fitness club app and some 7 minute workout in the NY Times, sell me on gratitude meditation, and give me an assignment to explore the “story” behind why I don’t like grocery shopping. Perhaps I should not have selected my doctor because her office sent me flashy flyers and I could make an appointment online.

What I did take away from this bizarre medical appointment was this idea that I need to “change the story.” I went to find out if I have any vitamin deficiencies (which I still don’t know) but I left with a reminder that my story currently sucks.

Its time for a reset.

Reset: to put back in the correct position for healing

I’ve been here before. I am here again…or I am still here. Sigh. Here are the baby steps I am currently taking to change the story:

  • I am taking the whole weekend off for the first time since Christmas.
  • I am going to start working with an executive coach to figure out what kind of job would actually make me happy.
  • I am pondering a spring juice cleanse or a TVaction to cleanse the body and mind.
  • I am trying to get the dating engine started again. My least favorite activity of them all, but a necessarily evil.
  • I am blogging again. Since I hate writing lots of negative stuff, I am hoping this will force me to get back to doing positive stuff and thinking positively about stuff in general.

Eventually, this blog will have a happy ending (rewritten from, “I don’t know if this blog will have a happy ending, but I hope it does,” as I actively try to visualize a new story.)

You (my readers) are now back in the loop as I climb back out of the hole I keep slipping back in to. Isn’t that what life is? Is anyone actually able to sustain awesome perfection every day? Point me to that person’s blog if they exist.


A couple of months ago I saw a video for the song “Brave” by Sarah Barielles.  The song is about being brave and speaking your mind.  The video shows people “happy dancing” in public. They are dancing and happy because dancing is fun, and happy people dance. They seemed so free.

Then the bridge came on and it goes like this:

“Maybe there’s a way of the cage where you live. Maybe one of these days you can let the light in and show me…how big your brave is.” 

I started to cry.

This song has been with me (literally on my iphone and figuratively in my head) every since that day. It inspired my post to get unstuck. I have been trying to take baby steps with being less of a perfectionist, but, to be honest, I have still been working a lot and keeping everyone happy except myself.

But I was also doing a lot of thinking.

I had an epiphany a couple of weeks ago that I don’t like managing people doing stuff, I like to do stuff. I have zero interest in deciding what someone else should work on, telling them what to do, giving them feedback on it, and sometimes redoing it. I like to come up with a plan and execute the plan. I like working WITH other people, and I like helping people and taking care of people, but I don’t want to be responsible for their work. I don’t want to climb the ladder. I don’t need a promotion. I want LESS. Less work that I don’t like, less stress, more happy.

I had big plans to go in and tell my boss this (when she returned from her travels) because she keeps planning for me to run large teams and every time it comes up, I just stay quiet and internally pray that it does not happen (and things change SO fast all the time that I have learned not to make a stink until it happens.)

Today, it happened. I got the call that someone quit and my boss just started talking about me taking his job. I protested. I told her about my plans to come in and talk to her about not managing people. I was almost crying. At one point she said “I feel like I am talking you off a bridge.” But she continued to try to sell me on it! She is an amazing sales person and me taking this job would make her life so much easier. I was not brave this morning, and I caved in and told her I would take the job.

All day, I was panicked and miserable. I couldn’t eat. Could barely work. I pictured people congratulating me on my promotion and me starting to cry. I could not picture how I could fly to Germany and rally a team of people I had no interest in managing. This was not good. Why in the world would I agree to me MORE miserable!!! I was already SO miserable!!

But what would happen if I called her back and said no? I would piss her off. I would make her life harder. I might damage our relationship. I might be committing career suicide. I might have to find a new job. I might get a new boss. It was all scary but it all sounded better than actually DOING the job I had been praying would not land in my lap.

I called her back tonight and told her I didn’t want the job. The conversation was short. She was not happy. I have no idea what will happen next, but I might have just broken out of my cage.

Check out my inspiration, here…


Today Was a Test

Last week at work was a disaster. I spent half of my week in meetings. The rest of the week I could barely focus because I was having very strange symptoms that made me think I was going in to early menopause. When I wasn’t having hot flashes, feeling super irritable, confused about mid-cycle spotting that would not stop, or just feeling spaced out, I was Googling to figure out what the heck was going on. Barely any work got done.

My long time readers may recall the strange reaction I had to nasal spray a few years ago. It’s been a while since I have taken any medication so when my dermatologist said he could give me a small shot to help heal the rough skin on my elbows (need I mention this was totally unnecessary), I forgot to say, “please don’t inject any foreign substances in to my body” and instead said, “sure.”

By the time I got to the front desk to check out, I felt panicked. I tried to remain calm but after getting a block away, I turned around and went back.  The doctor assured me that the small amount of cortisone he gave me could not possibly trigger any reaction and that I may have been “shaken” by getting a shot. I assured him that I am hypersensitive to all medication, have no issues with needles, and that I probably DID feel it coursing through my veins but if he was sure I would not die, I would manage to tough it out.  He assured me that I would not die. (He thought I was crazy.)

The anxiety lessened but lingered and expanded in to all of these other weird symptoms which Google made me initially think was perimenopause. After freaking out for a few days and starting to get really bummed about what might be ahead, it finally dawned on me to look in to this cortisone stuff more. Ah ha! Apparently cortisone can completely mess with your hormones. It’s rare (according to official medical sites) but, it’s happened to quite a few people on the internet and I am 99.9% sure it happened to me.

The symptoms are starting to fade, thank god. After going through this emotional roller coaster all week, when I finally shut down on Friday I was thinking I would have to work on Sunday to catch up. I frequently have this thought on Friday and 50% of the time, I do work on Sunday. But I had promised myself I wouldn’t do that anymore!! This was the test.

Today is Sunday. I woke up miserable debating what to do. Which one would be worse? Breaking my promise to myself and getting a little more caught up with work…or….keeping my promise to myself and continuing to be uncomfortable and stressed about being behind at work.

Clearly the right choice for a recovering perfectionist is to try to be more comfortable being uncomfortable. I have passed the test and didn’t do any work today. This week will suck but I will try really hard to prioritize and efficient and keep it in perspective.

I am now off to sweat out more of these drugs and catch up on some of the new shows!!  I’ve got my Lululemon on and I am ready to run. Hopefully, this week will be better than last week!

The Dating Continues…

The Dating GameI hate to leave things hanging so now that it is almost the end of September, I should tell you how my August dating challenge ended up. The goal was to go on  one date a week and I managed to almost do that (if going out with the same guy in two different weeks counts and I say it does) before things with the Sommolier came to an end in late August. Technically, I was one week short but I did go out with one more guy (“the artist”) in early September. As a recovering perfectionist, I say this counts as success.

I won’t say too much about “the artist” at this point except that he is a very interesting (and cute) guy who has managed to get to a fourth date, which does not happen often.

Earlier this week, I reflected back on my dating life and realized that I have been on dates with more guys in 2013 than in the 5 years before 2013. And there were no long term relationships in those 5 years, just not a lot of dates.

So when people ask me why such a fabulous and attractive (and clearly modest) woman is still single at my age, I can definitely say that one big reason is because I didn’t really date.

I may have mentioned (repeatedly) that I don’t like dating. Going out with 8 different guys in 2013 has not been all fun and games. Mostly, it is a huge pain in the ass. Finding a night that works, picking a place, making conversation, figuring out how to end the date, deciding whether or not you want to have another date, getting your feelings hurt, hurting other people’s feelings. Fun, fun, fun.

I’m not sure if it’s getting easier the more I do it, or it’s just as hard, but I keep doing it anyway. In the past, one annoying online date would send me back in to hibernation for months or years, and I have stayed in more than one bad relationship just because I didn’t want to deal with finding someone else.

This year, I have managed to just keep getting back out there. I am no longer avoiding it, I am pushing through it. I has been a pain in the ass, but I have also met some interesting people, had some stimulating conversations, learned more about myself, shared some intimate moments, received some hilarious text messages, and opened myself up more.  The yin and the yang. You can’t have the good without the bad, right?

The dating will continue. The challenges of the first date are not the same as the challenges of the fourth date. The stakes get bigger, things get more complicated, more feelings are involved, things get more confusing. I do look forward to the day when the benefits outweigh all of this hard emotional work (and logistical scheduling!) But I also realize that the emotional hard work is never really done, not if you want to live a rich, full life with human connection, which I do (with some TV mixed in, of course!)

Getting Unstuck – Progress Report #1

Its been a couple of weeks since I embarked on my 2013 quest to get unstuck and become less of a perfectionist. Here is my first progress report.

The Monday after I wrote that post, I talked with my mentor at work about my plan and she was completely supportive and helped me to set some measurable (and realistic) goals for setting limits at work for the rest of 2013. Here they are:

  • Leave work at 6pm at least three days a week
  • Do not work weekends (unless some emergency time sensitive project requires it)
  • Take all of my vacation days (and only check emails for 30 minutes max on those days)

That day I stopped work at 6pm and did yoga.

I have been meditating every day. It is definitely more like quiet thinking time, than actual mediation but it’s cool. I just keep practicing bringing my attention back to the breath. The process of meditation is about being aware of when you get off track, being OK with it,  and bringing your self back to center.  This is exactly the approach I need to take on my quest to become a recovering perfectionist!  I can’t be a perfectionist about being less of a perfectionist!  On that note..

After day 1, the work hours did slip. Some nights I had plans after work that required me to stay later. Some nights I didn’t have plans and I just kept working. There has been a tiny bit of weekend work, but less weekend work than before, which is progress!

I told my boss I could not present at a meeting because I need to take a day off. She was cool with it. I also told her that I have to work less or I will be the miserable person I was this summer, all the time. That night, she got approval to hire someone else to help me. Sometimes I just THINK I am going to disappoint her, but it is all in my head. Key takeaway!

Even with the extra work hours, almost everything I am responsible for is behind, kind of a mess, and/or a ton more work that I can reasonably manage. But I am just rolling with it, doing the best I can, and staying calm. I am reminding myself that it is just software. I am working a bit faster and being a little less perfect on some things because there is only so much I can do (and only so much I want to do!)

I am taking TWO days off this week, even though everything is behind. I needed some me time. It will all wait.

I am feeling pretty good about my progress. I can watch the clock and track my work hours against my goals, but ultimately it is about how I feel.  I have made time for me and let things go a bit. I have spent some time with my family, I have been out on a couple of pretty awesome dates, and I am making time to write.  (Fall TV post is coming this weekend.  I promise!)

So far, so good….(although I spent a ridiculous amount of time perfecting this post.  Two points off for that!)

Getting Unstuck

I have been feeling very stuck…again…still. I find myself returning to the same pattern, getting sucked in to work and letting it take over my energy and my time. It is not like I do something I am wildly passionate about. If I was consumed by creating something awesome or saving the world in some way or anything that made me feel more fulfilled, that would be one thing. Most of the projects I have worked on the past year have gotten canceled or taken over by someone else or fizzled out due to reorganizations. I have spent a lot of weekends in the past year working on things that end up going nowhere.  And even if they went somewhere, I am not so sure I would care about where they went. What the heck am I doing?

I don’t really love what I do. But if I weren’t doing what I do now, what would I do? What do I really love to do?

I love solving problems. I love helping people. I love feeling connected to other people. I love feeling a sense of accomplishment.

I often think about going back to teaching or going to work for a start-up. I have thought about taking a year off to “figure it all out” because I am just so tired. I have thought about becoming a yoga teacher. Just the other day, I wondered if I would like to be a writer.

But the reality is, all of these things are part of the life that I have now. Over the past five years, I have managed to incorporate glimmers of all of these things in to my life, on top of a job that allows me to solve problems every day (lots of them!) I make a choice to spend more time on some things and less time on others. I have options. I have more options than most people do!

So why do I make the choice to spend most of my time working at a job that I don’t love?

I am a perfectionist and I want to make everyone happy. I always get the highest ratings on my performance evaluations and I am always the rock star. Because I am good at what I do, my boss counts on me to get things done and constantly gives me more work. Then I have to work harder to be perfect, and I do. This is who I am and who I have always been, ever since I was a little girl. I am addicted to being perfect. Work is the place I am best at being perfect so I spend most of my time there.

I met a woman about ten years ago who said she was a recovering perfectionist. I remember thinking she must not have REALLY been a perfectionist, because I real perfectionist would not be able to just stop being perfect. She just THOUGHT she was a perfectionist.

Well, if I don’t figure out how to be a recovering perfectionist, I will never never be truly happy.

I have said a million times “I am going to work less”, “I am going to go to Yoga”, “I am going to meditate”, “I am going to read more”, “I am going to get out of the house more” etc. I have written these things many times on my blog and my poor friends and family have listened to it over and over.

What I have to start saying to myself is…

  • I am going to let my boss down today, because I need to make more room for things that make me happy.
  • I am going to let this issue go, even though I could spend a few more hours to fix it, because I need to save my energy for meeting new people, finding a relationship, and staying connected to people that I care about.
  • I am going to take my vacation time and stop working weekends because free trips to Hawaii and luxurious gifts that I don’t need are not worth all of the other things I give up during the rest of the year.
  • I am going to delegate this task and accept the way it gets done, or it will not get done at all, because giving back to the world is more important to me than this spreadsheet being perfectly formatted.

I may seem like a slight shift, but I think it is significant. I have to keep the end goal in mind because producing lower quality work and not making people happy all the time will be VERY hard for me. Seriously, it’s an addiction. If I don’t constantly remind myself of what I will get in return, I won’t be able to do it. I’ve never been able to do it. But I will keep trying!

There are many people at my company who make just as much money as I do and work a lot less than I do. (almost everyone at my company works a lot less than I do.) I can keep my job, do less, pay my mortgage, and make more room for what is important to me.

When I make more room for what is important to me and more space in my head to think then maybe I can find my way to a job that I do love. Or maybe I will love my job more when it is not eating me alive.

September always feels like the start of a new year to me. It is also the Jewish new year (and I am half Jewish) so I wish myself L’Shanah Tovah as I embark on my quest to become a recovering perfectionist (in addition to a recovering TVaholic, of course.)  Here’s to this the slight shift in approach and continued perseverance leading to an amazing outcome!

I Can’t Stop Playing Dots

I have managed to avoid Angy Birds, Words With Friends, and Tiny Tower (something my brother in law tried to suck me in to). There were some small recent dabbles with Bubble Burst and Ms. Pac Man (a free app download from Starbucks) but in general, I have avoided video games for over 20 years.

Last weekend, I was on the train to visit my Mom in DC, diligently reading the NY Times on my Ipad to expand my knowledge of the world. I stumbled across a short article about this new game called Dots that more than 3 million people have downloaded. I like to be in the know with the latest happenings, so I downloaded it. One hour later, I was hooked. I was obsessed with trying to make squares out of small little dots on a beautiful white background.

Some dude named Heisenberg has a high score of 799. My highest is 299. Who the hell is Heisenberg and how did he get so many points?  What don’t I know about the colored dots? Why can’t I make more squares?

I purchased additional super powers with points (I wasted the free ones trying to figure out what they do), but I don’t want to use them.  I don’t think I am good enough to use them in the absolute best way possible, so I am saving them. It is also the “delayed gratification” / “hoarder” part of my personality. I hate to use things up!

I am now one of those people who pulls out their phone on a 5 minute train ride. Each Dots game only lasts 60 seconds so you can easily play one or two rounds and (probably) not miss your stop.

I am totally screwed. Don’t download it. Whatever you do….

Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes

de-evolution-of-man-shirtI have devolved. I spent the past three weeks just working and watching television. Literally. That’s it. To my defense, I did have the longest cold in the history of the world, but it is way to easy for me to slip in to the work/TV thing. It’s my sweet spot.

I was reminded of some words of wisdom on an episode of The Following last week “Nothing changes if nothing changes”. So true.

Here’s what’s changing. I am hopping over to Hawaii for a few days for some fun in the sun with my sister/BFF and about 2,000 people that I work with.  The “people I work with” part I could do without but that is the part that makes the trip 100% free, so I can suck it up.

I decided I should put in more effort to wrangling up some dates for when I return. Unfortunately, the “2,000 people that I work with” will most likely be married or with dates. I’m not expecting any romance in Hawaii, although I will have my super fun wing woman with me should any hot surfer dudes be lurking about.

The online date wrangling seemed preferable to “finding events to attend where there might be men.” I had a fabulous conversation with my therapist this week about why I have decided that I will not meet a man at a JCC Shabbat dinner even though, in reality I have absolutely no idea if this is true. I end up countering with “I’m really not that Jewish anyway” to put an end to it. (I’m really not. I just happened to be on the JCC email list. Well, I am a little bit Jewish and I occasionally consider exploring that, which is why I am on the email list.) It doesn’t have to be the JCC, I can find a reason why I won’t meet a man at pretty much any event. We have had this conversation at least 100 times.

To put an end to this endless loop of a conversation that I keep paying my therapist to have with me  (and because “nothing changes if nothing changes”), I took my new profile back out for a spin today and sent some more emails. I got two responses IMMEDIATELY. Could it be my new profile?

I am currently (while I write this post) engaging in a conversation with one of these guys. He is a teacher. Teachers are cool. We will see where this goes.

In addition to the bevy of dates I will be going on when I get back from Hawaii, I will also be heading back to yoga. I found my favorite teacher who stopped teaching at my studio and will either haul my but to midtown to take classes with her or hire her for private sessions. Life should include yoga. Period.

I might also need a TVcation. Now that Downton Abbey Season 3  has wrapped, and after I watch The Bachelor season finale (I am betting on Ashley by the way), can’t I live without TV for a week?  I did get that word of wisdom from The Following. That was helpful. I would have to find something a lot better to do than seeing what Olivia Pope and The Gallaghers are up to. I do live in the greatest city in the world, but it’s so easy to spend all of your time alone in the Big Apple. I could write a book about it. Or a blog…oh, wait. I do! No wait, I will be going on so many dates that I won’t even be thinking about television. Booyah!


ListenI just got back from my New Year’s Eve yoga class. In the opening class monologue, our teacher asked us to listen.  She said that the end of one year and the beginning of the next is a good time to listen to your self and pay attention to what you hear.

I’m listening. It’s been a really long year, but is was rich and full. I was having a hard time thinking about what to write before class, but I can hear it now. Yoga is awesome.

I worked hard this year, like I always do. This year, I worked so hard that my company is sending me on an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii for my birthday with a guest of my choice (I chose my fabulous sister and the birthday timing is just a wonderful coincidence). Not bad.

I didn’t just work hard, I played pretty hard too, in the way that a mature successful 43 year old with her shit together plays, anyway.

I took not one, but TWO vacations this year. I traveled across the world to the exotic island of Bali and survived mosquitoes, overcame surfing injuries, and perfected my side arm plank. Then I took an even more amazing trip closer to home where I exercised my little heart out, discovered all kinds of new healthy foods that I have incorporated in to my life (kale chips are cooking right now!), and made some new friends.

I rekindled an old flame and got entangled in something complicated that led to some of the best and worst moments I have had in a long time. The ups were up and the downs were down, but I can say that I lived and loved in 2012, and that is what it is all about, right?

I had  lots of great moments with family and friends up and down the east coast from Maine to Albany to Philly. I welcomed my third niece who is as cute as button and the wonders of technology (and my photo happy sister and brother-in-law) allow me to continuously view photos of her every day.

On the inside, I continue to move in the right direction along the spectrum of inner peace. It is not something anyone else can see, but I feel it. I feel it in the moments that used to drive me completely insane that I can now shrug off and (mostly) laugh about. I feel it every time I lace up my running shoes or haul my but across town to do yoga. I feel it when I tell my younger friends that I will do dinner but will head home before the  show because I don’t like indie rock bands or staying up really late, and I don’t have to! I feel it when I get a little sad and realize it’s been a while since I felt that way and when it doesn’t last as long as it used to.

I am pretty glad that I went to yoga tonight and spent some time “listening” back on my year. Thanks Brynn, the yoga teacher.

I am going to close with the list of resolutions I made for myself when I kicked off my fall Happiness Project (remember that?). These will go with me in to 2013 and beyond. They hang on my fridge I try to live them every day. I don’t always succeed but I have #8 so it’s cool.

  1. Do Stuff
  2. Talk to strangers
  3. Fake it till you make it
  4. Be open
  5. Look for what is interesting in people
  6. Do one thing at a time
  7. Practice gratitude
  8. Go easy on yourself
  9. Embrace your courage
  10. Be positive
  11. Live in the moment
  12. Spend time with people you love
  13. Breathe

Vampire Brain

Here is what has been going through my head since I got back from Christmas with the fam and started my last 6 days of “vacation”:

“I have to finish all of that work I didn’t get to before Christmas…no, I have to rest and rebuild my energy for the crazy 2013 ahead…no, I can’t relax with all of this work hanging over my head…..I have to get back on OK Cupid and find love…is it really worth my time to come up with witty banter to write to men who don’t reply?….I really wanted to read The 4-Hour Work Week on my vacation to figure out how to “work smarter” …I can’t read The 4-Hour Work Week until I get some work done..I really wish I hadn’t downloaded Bubble Bust to my IPad at by brother’s house….I really want to see Lincoln, Les Miserables, Silver Linings Playbook, Zero Dark Thirty, Django Unchained, and the Hobbit, but I like to go to the movies in the morning when it is not crowded and that is when I do my best thinking…I should get up really early, do some work, then go to the movies…no, I should sleep in, this is vacation!…I should blog more..but there is not enough time I can’t get focused to write anything interesting….”

Welcome to my brain….

This brain banter reminds of the vampire book I am reading called The Twelve (second in a trilogy that started with The Passage.) The government experiments with a virus to try to create super-soldiers and ends up creating twelve vampires from the criminals they were testing on. These are not the sexy, fashion forward vampires from True Blood or The Vampire Diaries. These are creepy monsters that kill most of the humans on the planet. They also create new vampires. The vampires created by the original twelve become part of a “tribe” that has no knowledge of who they are and have one thought, the vision of the murder or rape committed by their maker, that plays over and over in their head.

It’s kind of weird that my brain banter reminds me of these mindless, creepy vampires, right? I can’t explain it, except that the brain banter is annoying. Luckily, not as annoying as having a rape or murder repeating over and over in your mind. One of the many things I have to be grateful for.

I have clearly found some time for reading. (It is vacation!) The Twelve is long and hard to follow, especially on a Kindle where you can’t easily flip back to remind yourself of who is who and where you are in time (it jumps back and forth in time). You also have to remember what happened in The Passage which I mostly don’t because I read it three years ago, but I think I finally have it figured out and it is getting really good. I recommend it.

I have also made time for running, yoga, and meditation to maintain some balance and calm. It helps.

The (seemingly) cute, cool OK Cupid guy who said he wanted to chat, never called. I am not surprised. I have sent a couple more emails that have not been responded to. Good times. I carry on. (I have not emailed my rejectors for feedback. I am fairly certain I will not get a reply and decided I might just come off as creepy. I think I will just play it cool, like its no big deal. Which it isn’t.)

I am caught up on e-mails, the bills are paid, my excess cash is invested, my retirement funds are re-allocated, I reached level 11 of Bubble Bust, I watched The Gray (because James Badge Dale is in it and you know I love him. Spoiler alert: he dies in the first 30 minutes. The movie is not worth it.) and I still have a nice long to do list. I did manage to get out a blog post and I think I can officially say that I am more productive than a creepy vampire!