You may be wondering what is going on in my on-line dating life. Well, not a whole heck of a lot.
I wrote to a few more guys who did not write me back and I continued to be frustrated and flabbergasted. (Which is why you have heard more about entertainment, than online dating lately.)
I started debating whether I should spend money on professional photos and a whole weekend completely overhauling my profile, AGAIN, and thought…maybe it’s time to try this whole “getting feedback from people who blew me off” idea.
I sent the following e-mail to four guys about a week after not hearing back from them:
“Listen, it’s totally cool that you are not in to me, but I am curious to know what it is about my profile that turns off the guys I find attractive and interesting. I think I might be a horrible marketer! Whatever it is, I can take it..”you’re too old”, “I got emails from way more attractive women”, “totally turned off that you listen to Justin Beiber”, “I hate the Mets, it will never work”
I promise I am not staking you like a crazy person and you will not hear from me again. (I HATE getting follow up emails from the many guys I blow off so I am sure you are not super psyched about this) Just thought I would try to get feedback from strangers who don’t know how awesome I am and only have my profile to go on…
Either way, I wish you luck on your quest for love…”
One of them wrote me back. I almost fell off my chair.
To understand his response, you need to know that OK Cupid has hundreds of questions that members can answer and your responses are used to determine a match % with other people on the site. These questions range from “Are you allergic to cats” to “Would you consider having sex in a graveyard?” (Real questions. I said no to both.) Once you answer 500 questions, you can submit your own (so you can imagine there is some ridiculous stuff out there.) You can chose which questions you answer and how many you answer.
So this dude who wrote me back said that my profile was great and I was clearly very attractive and my email was witty BUT we were only a 71% match and he has a rule that he only dates women with an 87% match or higher. He went on to explain that he does not have much time to date, and that in his experience, the women he is over an 87% match with have been more successful. My email made him wrestle with his rule, he said, but he decided to stick with it. His reply was actually funny and cool and made me want to date him more! (even though he lives in NJ and has two cats. See, I can be flexible for someone cool!)
I was, of course, curious about this matching conundrum and started to explore the questions where we did not match. I first noticed that he had answered about 100 more questions than I had. I quickly answered about 50 more questions and we bumped up to 82%. Now, I promised I would leave him alone, but I could not let this go. I sent a witty email back calling this out and explaining why I am not really in to talking about my sexual preferences on the internet (which is why I don’t answer a lot of those questions), but he still was a no go. He encouraged me to go out with guys that I am a 90% match with or higher. This made him a lot less cool.
Then I went back and looked at some of our question responses again. You can see what the other person has answered and compare it to what you have answered. And if either person has answered in a way that the other has said is “unacceptable”, it shows up in RED. For some reason he wants to date a woman who can not run more than a mile, likes to go to amusement parks (even though he doesn’t like amusement parks), and is only “somewhat content” or “not content” with the way she looks (even though he is “very content”, as am I.) He is also not sure if he would break up with someone if they expressed interest in children sexually and it was not cool with him that I said I would. (OK, I have done the younger man thing but not CHILDREN!) Maybe there is something to this matching…
What were my key takeaways? My profile might not be a disaster, but people are weird and you never know what excuse they will use to avoid going on a date. I am the master of this, so I do understand. I am really not sure what my next steps will be on this, but I do know that I am not going out with this guy, who is a 90% match with me….. (Shoot! I really wanted to put a link to a profile here, but I can’t do it because it just seemed to mean!!! Just imagine what this probably really nice but really unattractive and boring guy’s profile looks like.)