Am I Too Picky?

Here is where I am with online dating. I have been very busy with work. Emails keep rolling in. I have popped in now and again to scan profiles, but find very few of interest. No interest in the men who reach out to me.

Which brings me to the theme of this post, “am I too picky”?

I fret about this a lot, almost as much as I tweak my profile.

I got an email this weekend from a guy who is 6 years older than me. Not bad in theory but he looks kind of old. He runs multiple marathons a year so he is in good shape. He seems smart and interesting, but maybe also weird, and not good way. He wrote me a very LONG email. It is weird to go on and on to someone in an initial introduction. He did use proper English and correct spelling, which is a plus. He does performance art. He is also a biochemist and runs a non profit, but that music/poetry thing is a little weird.  I felt like I maybe SHOULD give him a try, but my gut was dreading it. Does that seem like a good way to go in to a date? I decided, no.

I have to be excited and looking forward to a date because dating sucks. It is uncomfortable and the chances of two total strangers connecting is slim. And I don’t have a lot of time. I have done the so-so dates in the past and none have surprisingly turned in to a love connection. Have I done 100 of them, no. Do I have to? There should be some level of interest, right?

I pulled out “Finding the One Online” and re-read the part about being picky. Evan Marc Katz pointed out that if I am more selective than Harvard (which I have to admit that I am, and I should be, I am better than Harvard), I should be able to pick over 30 people I am interested in out of 500. (Full disclosure: Harvard rejected my business school application. I’m not bitter.)

I have looked at a lot of profiles but probably not 500.  I do have 27 people on my “favorites” list. I guess I am not THAT picky.  But, I do like to be precise, so this task clearly requires a spreadsheet. I am going to record every profile I look at and whether I am interested or not. If I continue to like at least 6% of the profiles I see, according to an online dating expert, I am not too picky.

I did get an email from a very cute guy almost 20 years younger than me who has a law degree from Stanford, a Jersey accent (so he says), and beautiful abs. Always flattering to have a good looking man tell you that you are “absolutely beautiful” and that they “really enjoyed your profile”, but probably not a good distraction. And he probably sent that same email to 100 women today.

I ignored the well educated, cute, Jersey boy for the moment and buckled down and sent out three more emails to age appropriate men who seem attractive and cool. The e-mails were middle of the line humorous but not over the top crazy. This approach feels the most “me” so I have to go with that. So far, no response.

Maybe I should send this to my rejectors. “Listen, it’s totally cool if you are not in to me, but I would love some feedback on what it is about my profile that turns you off, because clearly, it is not giving the right impression.  I’m awesome. I assure you. I promise I am not staking you like a crazy person. Just curious.” 

What do you think?  Should I give that a try?

While we ponder that, I will keep looking and recording and calculating my rate of pickiness.

8 thoughts on “Am I Too Picky?”

  1. i love what you’ve written here! i’ve actually always wanted to write a little note to people who decide i’m not the write match and ask why. not because i care that i was rejected, only so i can improve my chances of finding somebody in the future. if you do end up doing that, i’d love to hear how that works out for you!

    also, i really like your idea of tracking the profiles you check out. i may have to try that! only because sometimes i feel that i may be too picky, but like you…i feel that i should be! i shouldn’t have to compromise on my standards.

    great post! i look forward to reading more about this

    1. I will keep you posted. It seems like the consensus is to give it a try so I just might send some of those emails. I saw that my post inspired yours! Hang in there and don’t give up! I can’t wait to see how the spreadsheet works our for you too!

    1. I have thought of that too, but I am afraid to hurt their feelings! If they asked, I would definitely tell them. Some of those emails are SO far out there I think emailing them some feedback, but those guys are so out there, I think they might think I am hitting on them 🙂

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